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Helping the Grieving Child A timely selection from My Care Letter, a free, monthly publication from the funeral directors at Lindquist Mortuaries/Cemeteries. To help you understand what you might encounter with your own children or those you care for, we have roughly divided children into age groups ranging from babies to young adults. This should give you some guidance as to what to expect and how you can be most helpful depending on the child´s stage of development at the time of the death. As children grow, they will need to re-experience the loss at each stage of development. For example, at age five a child´s understanding of death has moved from fantasy-based to reality-based. As they learn and understand more, they may need to review and re-experience the loss. When children realize the finality of death, they need to re-interpret what the death means to them. It´s important to know this so that you don´t feel you are “taking two steps backward,” if your child becomes preoccupied with the loss at different stages of his development. Babies (birth to eighteen months of age) Naturally, babies can´t ask questions, however they do experience a visceral response to loss. They feel it in their bones and sense it in their environment. An infant´s view of the world is self-centered and they believe that all things exist for them and because of them. You may experience the baby as more cranky and irritable. This will depend upon their relationship to the deceased. Naturally, babies will feel more of a loss if it is one or both parents, than if it is an uncle or other close relative that died. Babies often become fussy, hard to calm and fear separation. They may develop sleep problems or night terrors. By maintaining children´s regular patterns, we help offer a safe parameter within which they can experience their grief. During this time, it´s important to offer extra comfort, holding and soothing time. Keep in mind that older babies often understand what you are saying, even if they are unable to speak. Offer soothing statements and avoid talking of the death within earshot. Immediate physical comfort and a commitment to help the child cope as she ages are the best actions you can take. If you are the primary caretaker of the infant, it can be challenging to care for the baby´s needs as well as your own. If at all possible, find someone outside the family to assist you in caring for the infant so you can give yourself the necessary time to organize your life and to grieve. Toddlers (eighteen months to three years) During this phase of development, the parents or caregivers´ main task is to set limits with the child. If your world is upside down because of a sudden death in your home, it is hard to keep up with previous limit setting. However, it is essential to the child´s well-being. Toddlers may also regress and become extremely fearful of separation from their caregivers. If the toddler was toilet trained at the time of the death, they may have a setback. You may experience them as unduly demanding, whining and needy. They may not want to eat the way they had previously or they may not sleep well. Keeping children on a regular schedule will help to alleviate these fluctuations. It is okay to put words on your experience and to tell the child, “I am sad because ______.” It is also important to answer any questions openly and honestly. Telling a child that the dead person is “just sleeping” or “God came and took him” can create enormous fear and anxiety. The child may be afraid to sleep or fear he will be snatched away by God. It´s okay to use the word dead and to look for ways to illustrate the point. Direct questions from toddlers are also challenging. At a time when you may be emotionally drained, direct questions can be hard to cope with and answer. For toddlers, the concept of death is hard to grasp. They have experienced nothing that will prepare them for the concept. On their favorite cartoons, characters “die” and then return on the next episode. Finality is unfamiliar. Until now, death has been something that just happens in movies or in cartoons. Nobody really dies. That illusion is shattered when a child faces their first loss experience. Young Children (three to ten years) Until children are about four-years-old, they cannot conceptualize death, and because developmentally they believe the world revolves around them, some will even worry that they may have caused the death. Sometime between the ages of five and nine, children begin to understand death, and realize its finality. They will feel abandonment quite keenly and will worry that their needs may not be taken care of, i.e., Who will feed me? Where will I go? Most adults begin the first stage of mourning almost immediately and children usually begin mourning several weeks or months after the death. According to Dr. Roberta Temes in “Living With An Empty Chair: A Guide Through Grief,” children should not be criticized for caring, selfishly, about their own personal needs at the time of parental death. The child who asks, “But who will take me to the ball game?” or “Who´ll braid my hair for me each morning?” or “What´s for dinner?” when everyone else is weeping, is not being unduly selfish. She is responding as a child should respond. Children between the ages of three and six do much of their learning through repetition. For this reason, it´s common for children to ask the same question over and over or to alter it slightly. While this can be draining for you, take the time to answer the questions. Keep in mind that the child´s peers will have little information on death and will not have the emotional maturity to help their friend. The only support children of this age group can get is yours – or other support you provide. Adolescents Pam´s son Ian was 12 when his father died. She shares her story... “My twelve-year-old son, Ian, was anxious to show his dad the new braces Dr. Mathews had installed that day. This was a new experience, a right of passage if you will, and Ian needed to share it with his dad. Although George and I had been divorced for many years, we were friends and joyfully shared in the day-to-day life of our son. I drove Ian to his dad´s office, he smiled broadly at his dad, showing off his new hardware, and George embraced him. It was the last embrace. George was dead just one day later. Ian, at age 12, was at least able to communicate and express his sadness and anger verbally, although minimally. Imagine experiencing all the intense emotions of a sudden loss, without the ability to express your feelings in words. This is the younger child´s plight.” Adolescence is a time of mood changes, and under the best of circumstances, a challenging time for all involved. Add to this the sudden death of someone close when they are least prepared and it´s no wonder children find themselves wondering about the meaning of life. Peer support is extremely important to the adolescent. If the adolescent child has lost a close friend, they should be encouraged to meet with and spend time with their peers and to use the time constructively.
A grief support group comprised of children experiencing the same type of loss will help immensely. You will need to help the child develop a safe way to express his emotions, especially anger. If there aren´t any existing support groups, encourage your child to start one through school or church. Another challenge of this age group is the need to be independent. It is around this age that children begin pulling back from their parents seeking their own identity and independence. Barbara D. Rosof writes in The Worst Loss, “In order to grow toward psychological independence, [adolescents] must loosen the ties of dependency that have bound them to parents all their lives. This is a long process, one that proceeds by fits and starts over the next ten years. As they begin to pull away, the prospect of sharing with you the intense and painful feelings that the death of a sibling [or other close person] stirs up may feel dangerously regressive: It threatens to pull adolescents back into the very dependency they are working so hard to outgrow.” For this reason an outside support person becomes essential. If you cannot organize a support group through church or school, talk to a school counselor or other professional about being the support person for your child. Remember, that no matter how old the child, they have experienced the worst possible tragedy. They will feel terrible. They should not be encouraged to forget or deny. They must learn, with your help and guidance, that they can overcome emotional catastrophes. Allowing the child to feel the full power of the sudden loss will help increase coping ability for the rest of the child´s life.
LINDQUIST
MORTUARIES/CEMETERIES
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