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Lessons Taught by Children in Grief A timely selection from My Care Letter, a free, monthly publication from the funeral directors at Lindquist Mortuaries/Cemeteries. If you know a child who has experienced the death of a mother, father, caregiver, sister, brother, grandparent or friend, you may have wondered how you can help. Here are a few basic lessons children have taught me about their grieving process. Take what is useful to you and your situation. When in doubt, ask a child or teenager what helps. They will tell you. Listen. After a death, many children want to share their story. They may want to tell you what happened, where they were when they were told about the death and what it was like for them. Telling their story is a healing experience. One of the best ways adults can help young grievers is to listen to their stories. As adults, we´re often too quick to offer advice, give opinions and make judgments. We think we know what´s best for our children, and we want to make sure they get the right information. But while we´re busy talking, sometimes we miss important messages from children about what they need and how we can best help them. Answer the questions they ask. Even the hard ones. Kids learn by asking questions. When they ask questions about a death, it´s usually a sign that they´re curious about something they don´t understand. As an adult, one of the most important things you can do for children is to let them know that all questions are okay to ask, and to answer questions truthfully. Be sensitive to their age and the language they use. No child wants to hear a clinical, adult-sounding answer to their question, but they don´t want to be lied to either. Often the hardest time to be direct is right after a death. When a child asks what happened, use concrete words such as “died” or “killed” instead of vague terms like “passed away.” A young child who hears his mother say, “Dad passed away” or, “I lost my husband,” may be expecting that his father will return or simply needs to be found. Give the child choices whenever possible. Children appreciate having choices as much as adults do. They have opinions, and feel valued when allowed to choose. And they don´t like to be left out. For example, it is a meaningful and important experience for children to have the opportunity to say goodbye to the person who died in a way that feels right to them. They can be included in the selection of a casket, clothing, flowers and the service itself. Some children may also want to speak or write something to be included in the service, or participate in some other way. After a death, having choices allows children to grieve a death in the way that is right for them. Sometimes children in the same family will choose differently. For example, one child may want pictures and memorabilia of the person who died, while another may feel uncomfortable with too many reminders around. If you are a parent, ask your child what feels right to them. Don´t assume that what holds true for one child will be the same for another. Talk about and remember the person who died. “My daddy tickled me. He danced with me. He read to me.” Sarah, 9. Remembering a person who died is part of the healing process. One way to remember is simply to talk about the person who died. It´s okay to use their name and to share what you remember about them. You might say, “Your dad really liked this song,” or “Your mom was the best pie maker I know.” Bringing up the name of the person who died is one way to give the child permission to share his or her feelings about the deceased. It reminds him that it is not “taboo” to talk about the deceased. Sharing a memory has a similar effect. It also reminds the child that the person who died will continue to “live on” and impact the lives of those left behind. Children also like to have keepsakes of the person who died. Usually, they are interested in objects which hold an emotional or relational significance. When his father died of a heart attack, Jeremy, 12, asked if he could have his work boots. Although they were old, worn out and too big for his feet, they served as a memory of all the times his father had taken him to the construction site where he worked. Tom, 16, wanted to keep his dad´s flannel shirt. When they went fishing, his dad always wore that shirt; now Tom wears it when he goes fishing. Respect differences in grieving styles. For 8-year-old Jolie, whose mother died of a heart attack, grieving was a series of crying jags, one after another. In the days and weeks after her mother died, tears and talking helped soothe the pain. Meg, Jolie´s teenage sister, never shed a tear and showed little emotion when the topic of her mother came up. Meg said she liked to be busy, and felt better when she was shooting baskets and spending time with her friends. This was all very confusing to the girls´ stepfather, who concluded that Meg wasn´t grieving because she hadn´t cried and she hadn´t talked much about her mother. In fact, Jolie and Meg´s responses to their mother´s death were both typical. Children´s grieving styles – even in the same family – can be at opposite ends of the spectrum. Recognizing that each person grieves in their own way is essential to the healing process for a family. Listen to children talk about their feelings and watch their behavior, and you will help clarify and affirm these natural differences.
LINDQUIST
MORTUARIES/CEMETERIES
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